A very attractive fantasy can be a powerful thing. I said something in a previous article about waiting for everyone else to catch up to where I am now, but that was wrong. Nobody else needs to be where I am now, my path is supposed to be a solitary path, only one person can go down my road.
I did judge the Children of Humanity and I said they deserve more life and the opportunity to learn the things that they did not know during their mortal life. As I observe within the final prayer of Christ this wisdom; the Children should be pardoned from all punishment because they did lack the knowledge that would have allowed them to make better choices. If we do not have the right knowledge, it's impossible for us to make the right choices, which explains why people have made mistakes in life.
I said that I would take the path of the Great Villain because I thought that a Great Villain was necessary to our story, to get to the desired destination. I said to myself, someone has to play this role and claim the reward which no-one should want. I said to God, "Take me! I'll do it!" A short while after I made my prayer, I saw my sign of pricks of starlight in the form of a human being with arms held out wide, parallel to the ground. It was late at night and I saw this appear above a bush. I was so surprised and astounded that I could not speak. I turned my head away from this sight and turned back to it, it was still there. Eventually I got up from where I was sitting and walked away. Looking back I saw the pricks of starlight forming the shape of a 5 pointed star in the top of the bush. I walked away, got on an airplane and flew home to Missouri.
On the plane I sat in a state of amazement, what did it mean? My prayer had been heard, I was being observed the whole time by someone, maybe I got the job I was asking for! Then I had my very first Manic episode and ended up being hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for the first time in my life. I have been hospitalized in a psychiatric ward over 20 times since that day. I suffered a great deal because none of the medications that I was given worked, and they had some terrible side-effects. Eventually, in frustration and a loss of faith in medical science, I told one of my doctors that I didn't need the medications. Then he told me that he could no longer see me as a patient, which kinda hurt because I really did like this doctor. After that event in my life story things got a whole lot worse before it got any better. This is the real truth of my story from back in 1982.
I wasn't trying to be a King, I was trying to be a Beast.
I was living in a small apartment in Overland, Missouri and one of my neighbors walked into my house in a drunken state and plopped herself down in my chair. This person invited me to try smoking crack cocaine with her. Owing to the mood I was in at the time, I thought to myself, "This might kill me." So I said yes, because I didn't want to live in the World anymore. Subsequently, I met a number of drug users and became addicted to crack cocaine for one year. At the end of that year my mother helped me get into a treatment program called New Beginnings. Since I didn't have a psychiatrist at that time, they sent me to the Hopewell Clinic near Saint Louis University. For the very first time in my life, a doctor offered me a combination of meds which seemed to work without terrible side-effects. It took at least another year for me to get over that drug addiction after I stopped using, I would still dream about going back to it. Thankfully, I eventually beat it, I no longer think about it.
I have lived with my parents in Missouri for over 12 years now and they pay for everything that I need, because I've never been able to hold a normal job successfully. In the past I had been getting some Disability benefits from the government, but I tried to work and they were taken away, along with my Medicare coverage. Later our Social Security Administration informed me that I had been overpaid benefits in an amount which exceeded $10,000 U.S. dollars, they said I had to repay this. I've been trying to get those benefits reinstated for many years now; the over payment amount has been reduced, but I'm not really able to pay. Unless the benefits get reinstated, the full burden of my support rests on my father. Dad worked very hard as an Engineer, and spent most of his adult life working for the national defense on fighter planes, like the F-15 and F-18. I guess he's fairly well-off but never talks with me about how much money he's saved. I have enjoyed a very good quality of life here in my family's home, a life well above my own personal means. I never managed to earn enough income to get above the poverty level, and I've never had to pay Income Taxes in this country because I didn't have enough income. I have always been financially dependent on my parents for support. Dad paid for most of my cars and my car insurance, he even pays for the gasoline so I can drive it now. My parents have always been conscientious patriots in America, but I never learned to feel the same way about America.
The real truth that can be found in this blog, is a documentation of my train of thoughts, my never ending torment. You can judge for yourself how well the current medications have un-confused my thinking. For a long while I believed it was my fate to have the Ancient Dragon for my only companion. The One and Only God has given me enough strength to survive my conditions and endure, may he continue to do so for as long as I need to endure it. Years after those original events, now that my suffering has been somewhat relieved, I've never doubted the validity of those past events. I've always believed that it was a very real phenomena, and I've never had the experience of hearing any voices but I've talked with some people that have had those experiences. I have dreamed of some pretty amazing things, often seeing myself calling upon miracles, an inspired fantasy. Perhaps it is all only a Dream, my interpretation of a part of the Book of Revelations, I have found my own meaning in the recorded words of Jesus. I believe that it's not an uncommon thing for Bi-Polar persons to feel that they need to save the world.
But I'll continue to profess my personal position in God's Eternal Kingdom. I am a citizen of the Universe and nothing less than that. I am one Human Being among Billions who have ever lived, I am a real person, with a real experience of life. I am a part of something much larger than myself and greater than Life on Planet Earth. We exist in relationship to everything else, those relationships may tend to change as time passes on, but there never fails to be a relationship. And of greater interest to myself; there's always a relationship between myself and every other Human Being that has ever lived, and all those who are yet to be born. My version of Reality includes assertions like these. My version of reality includes some pretty amazing beings who exist above Humanity and beneath the Most-High-God. The very stars have a mind of their own; despite the lack of evidence that would prove it. I can not produce my own validation of my own subjective beliefs from absolutely nothing, I only must wait to learn if my point-of-view will be validated.
I know that I have been loved, and believe there's a Heavenly witness to every detail of my life. If there is no real personality behind this observation, there is still mother nature which somehow preserves information about the state of our Universe. So I never worry that I will be well remembered even though I'm mostly unknown to other people. Every event and every Human experience becomes a part of the story of Universe as it continues to be created. For as long as it may last, these things will always be a part of it's history.
I did judge the Children of Humanity and I said they deserve more life and the opportunity to learn the things that they did not know during their mortal life. As I observe within the final prayer of Christ this wisdom; the Children should be pardoned from all punishment because they did lack the knowledge that would have allowed them to make better choices. If we do not have the right knowledge, it's impossible for us to make the right choices, which explains why people have made mistakes in life.
I said that I would take the path of the Great Villain because I thought that a Great Villain was necessary to our story, to get to the desired destination. I said to myself, someone has to play this role and claim the reward which no-one should want. I said to God, "Take me! I'll do it!" A short while after I made my prayer, I saw my sign of pricks of starlight in the form of a human being with arms held out wide, parallel to the ground. It was late at night and I saw this appear above a bush. I was so surprised and astounded that I could not speak. I turned my head away from this sight and turned back to it, it was still there. Eventually I got up from where I was sitting and walked away. Looking back I saw the pricks of starlight forming the shape of a 5 pointed star in the top of the bush. I walked away, got on an airplane and flew home to Missouri.
On the plane I sat in a state of amazement, what did it mean? My prayer had been heard, I was being observed the whole time by someone, maybe I got the job I was asking for! Then I had my very first Manic episode and ended up being hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for the first time in my life. I have been hospitalized in a psychiatric ward over 20 times since that day. I suffered a great deal because none of the medications that I was given worked, and they had some terrible side-effects. Eventually, in frustration and a loss of faith in medical science, I told one of my doctors that I didn't need the medications. Then he told me that he could no longer see me as a patient, which kinda hurt because I really did like this doctor. After that event in my life story things got a whole lot worse before it got any better. This is the real truth of my story from back in 1982.
I wasn't trying to be a King, I was trying to be a Beast.
I was living in a small apartment in Overland, Missouri and one of my neighbors walked into my house in a drunken state and plopped herself down in my chair. This person invited me to try smoking crack cocaine with her. Owing to the mood I was in at the time, I thought to myself, "This might kill me." So I said yes, because I didn't want to live in the World anymore. Subsequently, I met a number of drug users and became addicted to crack cocaine for one year. At the end of that year my mother helped me get into a treatment program called New Beginnings. Since I didn't have a psychiatrist at that time, they sent me to the Hopewell Clinic near Saint Louis University. For the very first time in my life, a doctor offered me a combination of meds which seemed to work without terrible side-effects. It took at least another year for me to get over that drug addiction after I stopped using, I would still dream about going back to it. Thankfully, I eventually beat it, I no longer think about it.
I have lived with my parents in Missouri for over 12 years now and they pay for everything that I need, because I've never been able to hold a normal job successfully. In the past I had been getting some Disability benefits from the government, but I tried to work and they were taken away, along with my Medicare coverage. Later our Social Security Administration informed me that I had been overpaid benefits in an amount which exceeded $10,000 U.S. dollars, they said I had to repay this. I've been trying to get those benefits reinstated for many years now; the over payment amount has been reduced, but I'm not really able to pay. Unless the benefits get reinstated, the full burden of my support rests on my father. Dad worked very hard as an Engineer, and spent most of his adult life working for the national defense on fighter planes, like the F-15 and F-18. I guess he's fairly well-off but never talks with me about how much money he's saved. I have enjoyed a very good quality of life here in my family's home, a life well above my own personal means. I never managed to earn enough income to get above the poverty level, and I've never had to pay Income Taxes in this country because I didn't have enough income. I have always been financially dependent on my parents for support. Dad paid for most of my cars and my car insurance, he even pays for the gasoline so I can drive it now. My parents have always been conscientious patriots in America, but I never learned to feel the same way about America.
The real truth that can be found in this blog, is a documentation of my train of thoughts, my never ending torment. You can judge for yourself how well the current medications have un-confused my thinking. For a long while I believed it was my fate to have the Ancient Dragon for my only companion. The One and Only God has given me enough strength to survive my conditions and endure, may he continue to do so for as long as I need to endure it. Years after those original events, now that my suffering has been somewhat relieved, I've never doubted the validity of those past events. I've always believed that it was a very real phenomena, and I've never had the experience of hearing any voices but I've talked with some people that have had those experiences. I have dreamed of some pretty amazing things, often seeing myself calling upon miracles, an inspired fantasy. Perhaps it is all only a Dream, my interpretation of a part of the Book of Revelations, I have found my own meaning in the recorded words of Jesus. I believe that it's not an uncommon thing for Bi-Polar persons to feel that they need to save the world.
But I'll continue to profess my personal position in God's Eternal Kingdom. I am a citizen of the Universe and nothing less than that. I am one Human Being among Billions who have ever lived, I am a real person, with a real experience of life. I am a part of something much larger than myself and greater than Life on Planet Earth. We exist in relationship to everything else, those relationships may tend to change as time passes on, but there never fails to be a relationship. And of greater interest to myself; there's always a relationship between myself and every other Human Being that has ever lived, and all those who are yet to be born. My version of Reality includes assertions like these. My version of reality includes some pretty amazing beings who exist above Humanity and beneath the Most-High-God. The very stars have a mind of their own; despite the lack of evidence that would prove it. I can not produce my own validation of my own subjective beliefs from absolutely nothing, I only must wait to learn if my point-of-view will be validated.
I know that I have been loved, and believe there's a Heavenly witness to every detail of my life. If there is no real personality behind this observation, there is still mother nature which somehow preserves information about the state of our Universe. So I never worry that I will be well remembered even though I'm mostly unknown to other people. Every event and every Human experience becomes a part of the story of Universe as it continues to be created. For as long as it may last, these things will always be a part of it's history.
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