Current Events JAN2010

I have received the decision of the SSA judge concerning my Disability application, my case has been denied. In the findings of the judge I am able to perform unskilled labor as a bussboy or janitorial work. I have a Circadian rhythm sleep disorder and suffer from some mild sleep apnea. The Circadian rhythm disorder means that my sleep schedule drifts, this is not an uncommon condition when you don't have a fixed daily schedule. The sleep apnea means that I stop breathing during sleep, in most cases this affects the quality of sleep and may impact heart health. The sleep apnea is treated with a C-PAP machine, you have to wear a breathing mask at night and the machine blows positive air pressure into your mouth so that you keep breathing. My best friend says he uses the machine and it makes a huge difference for him, as to being well rested from a night's sleep. But I was uncomfortable with the machine and it kept me from falling asleep, which resulted in far less sleep instead of more quality sleep. Since I have effectively refused medical treatment for the sleeping disorders, those complaints have been discounted by the judge.

I've always had trouble falling to sleep and one symptom of bi-polar mania is insomnia, which i do suffer from even with the medication treatment. I don't believe that the quality of sleep suffers much from the apnea, as I do generally feel rested after a good sleep. But I never know when I'll get a solid 6-8 hours of sleep, its not uncommon for me to rest in bed sleepless for several hours before actually falling asleep. The doctor who diagnosed the sleep apnea suggested that I try taking melatonin at bedtime to help me falling asleep, he indicated the drug is available over-the-counter. I have yet to try that.

I have a daily soda habit and consume large amounts of caffienated drinks daily. Sodas are slightly acidic and promote tooth decay, the habit has claimed all my teeth, I now have to use full-dentures. The use of caffiene as a form of self-medication is quite common, and I'm accustomed to it; I don't think it prevents me from sleeping. It's mostly the manic thinking and worrying that prevents me from falling to sleep, hard to quiet the mind; sometimes i have to pray for sleep and this seems to help. Or a hot shower may sometimes help to break the train of thoughts. Recently my father accompanied me to a psychiatric office meeting and made a few complaints. He mentioned my soda habit, and of course the doctor wrote that down into my permanent medical record; he advised me to limit the caffiene intake to two cans of Mt. Dew per day. Mt. Dew is my favorite drink, but of course there are other non-caffienated sodas available that I do like. In any event I don't think I have a hope for appealing my disability case to re-emphasize the sleep disorder.

According to my psychiatrist my bi-polar symptoms are in remission effectively treated by the medications, which I do take daily. In my opinion this statement is not entirely accurate, but I do feel grateful for the recent advances in medical science that have made these meds available. My mood and behaviour is fairly well moderated by artifical means, I think this gives me a clear advantage in life. The meds have kept me out of the hospital, over the past 8 years I've only been hospitalized once for depression and suicidal thinking.

I enjoy above average intelligence and a great capacity for rational thought. I have also been blessed with a romatic heart and imagination. It's very easy for us to succumb to fantasy, some fantasies are very appealing if they make us appear more important than we really are. I have at times past been justifiably accused of being out-of-touch with Reality. And a great deal of my past behaviour has been very self-destructive. These days I like to believe that I've learned something from my past experiences, and outgrown the self-destructive behaviours. My recollection of past events is fairly decent, and this provides me with a stable platform to stand on. Solid ground depends upon personal experience, and my own personal experiences have been extra-ordinary. I'm more in touch with my own sense of Reality these days than ever before, and it is admitedly an uncommon Reality that I do see from my own point-of-view.

My time is quite valuable to me, even though I have never collected a fee for my ability to make a decision. I think most educated people would agree that it takes hard work and study in order to be well-informed and to have a good opinion. Most of my personal time is occupied by entertainment and games, I enjoy spending it and it inspires me. I used to spend quite a bit of time reading fiction and non-fiction, or in front of the television; but these days most of my time is spent in front of the PC. When i do spend time in front of the TV its either documentaries or movies, I don't watch much of the serialized programming (dramas and sitcoms, or reality programming). All this time spent on games has taught me a few lessons I consider to be of great value. Most of these games I play are complete virtual world's populated by real people, each world has it's own set of rules and generally there is some kind of functional economy. I've managed to do very well at the MMORPG games, and the sense of success you can have from earning acomplishments in a game is very real.
I do well and enjoy my time, I socialize while i work at the game, but I've rarely been a high-ranked player. I don't play competitively, and I'm not particularly dedicated or knowledgeable as a player in these online communities.

And the thing I've learned from it all; is that in the very best of all possible games, participation alone constitutes a winning condition! The only measure of success is that we have enjoyed our time spent playing. And while some games may be ranked, for the game to continue on indefinately you can't declare a winner. As soon as someone wins, the game is over; but instead of having one winner you have ever higher levels of accomplishment to reach. And the Great Game of Life is very much like the best of all possible games. If all the players may be ranked in terms of material wealth, then clearly I'd be near the very bottom of the ranks. But the game CAN be ranked in so many different ways thats its hard to say where we stand exactly. If we just ranked the Great Game of Life in terms of success, then I'd be near the very top with many peers. All those men and women throughout human history who have made some personal contribution which best serves the welfare of all people, should be dearly loved, and we often feel proud of these people. Much good work has been accomplished in the world to make it a more comfortable habitat, and we have good reason to feel some pride in ourselves. But of course many crimes have been commited, and for this we have good reason to feel some shame.

I've labored in the world for about 47 years now, and i found my great cause in life around the age of 19. By the age of 19 I had realized that my success depends upon the success of others. This principle is very easily understood, if we are surrounded by happy and successful people then we are more likely to enjoy life ourselves. Self-interest is a neccessary condition to our continued survival; but still its very easy to see that the Universe itself is much larger than ourselves. Occassionally people have been willing to make a great personal sacrifice for the greater good, up to and including the sacrifice of life itself. We each decide what it is that serves the greater good, and we decide what best serves our own interests. To see Reality for what it is and Know the difference between good and evil does not come automatically to us, its something that we have to work for. We try to anticipate consequences and limit the risks in life. But the Universe is really quite remarkable in that Information is ALWAYS preserved, nothing can ever be entirely lost or forgotten, there are no real risks. Absolutely everything that has ever been destroyed is recoverable within the realm of manifestation. Once a thing has been done, it can never be un-done, it becomes part of what I like to call 'The Absolute Truth'. Every historical event is truth, whatever the people have believed they have truely believed. Every human experience is genuine experience and witnessed by God and Heaven; therefore it becomes a part of the indelible truth.

Despite the ruling of the SSA judge, I am unconvinced of my ability to hold down gainful employment. The rules and criteria that SSA uses to make a determination has cracks, and many people are methodically swept into those cracks in our system of government. I am gratefully retired in comfort, and I've done enough to be deserving of this rest. I have suffered enough in life and do not deserve more suffering; to make an effort to return to work now would only be the cause of more suffering. However I'm retired in debt; when it comes to food and shelter my father will pay all the bills, I have no need to worry about such things. My father will not pay the debt of child support in my behalf. And I also have a sizable debt with the SSA concerning the overpayment of past benefits, which I have told my father NOT to pay.

Therefore I consider it very likely that I will be called to court to stand before another judge. The debt of child support will be paid in full eventually as I consider it true that my father will leave me with some inheirtance. If he's unwilling to pay now, I'll use his money to pay later. It may not satisfy the judge if I say that my ex-wife must be patient, the court may want to impose a deadline for payment upon me. They may say that I can not retire in debt and therefore must return to work at risk of punishment. But I will make my stand in that courtroom, at the very best the court may impose temporary conditions upon my life. If I refuse to make the effort to work the judge may very well think me dishonorable, and likely have a great many people in agreement with that assesment. But i'm unconvinced that I or anyone else deserves punishment. It's simply not among our God given Rights to make demands upon the time and attention of our peers, to demand that someone else makes the neccessary sacrifice. We have no right to demand labor be done in our behalf nor for the greater good, unless the other pary also has the right to decline. And if a man is to be rewarded for his work, he should know in advance what that reward will be, then he can make a rational choice weighing the advantages against the cost.

As I have said, I do believe in something larger than myself, and I have already made a personal commitment to serve one Great Cause. Being a compasionate soul I choose to serve the greater good, but I get to decide what is good for the children of humanity. And if that service involves some personal sacrifice, I am willing to make that sacrifice. If I must endure unending torment, then I trust God will have to make me live long enough to endure it. And that would be a very small and personal victory over mortality at the very least. But the greater victory is to win the faithful and true companionship of the Ancient Dragon. I have long imagined that the great Villan's reward and the Buried Treasure within the parable of Christ are one and the same thing. It would seem to be entirely selfish to purchase the world for a personal property and proclaim thyself the Landlord here. But that's what it supposedly takes to claim the world's buried treasure. The long expected Anti-Christ is supposed to be a great deceiver, and he will have to decieve men into believeing they have no personal property rights of their own. Even the flesh and bone is NOT a rightful property of ours but a property of the Earth itself. And how many people will be content to give up their share of manifestation for a belief in some unmanifest Heavenly Kingdom?

Moses was a kind of King who evidently won support from the powers of Heaven; but clearly he loved his own people more than he loved anyone else. And its considered to be true that Jesus was a King with the support of the powers of Heaven, but even he show some preference between people. Jesus was an exceptional King in that he did not give preference to his own people but instead identified with all those people who should be considered meek. But now the King of all Kings has the unenviable task of claiming the whole of humanity without showing preference for National origin or even for good works. He must love the criminals the same as the saints and be the good Father. A Father who will judge his children and propose no punishment but one reward and the same reward for all men. Because the Lord Christ asks for forgiveness, and in the same breath proclaim that men are ill-behaved due to some lack of knowledge. Perhaps the people deserve an education, but none need suffer anything more than a little anguish over their own limitations. If we had the time and the patience to wait, humanity could be left to pursue it's own truth. But the continued survival of this species is at risk if we do nothing to arrest the bad behaviour. And the viability of Planet Earth is at risk in ways that we are powerless to do anthing about; although we also pose some threat to the viability of the planet. Only the powers of Heaven can set things right and reform the world, no human technology can change the course of planets or extend the life of a star. But this Earth is the world of the promised ressurection, so it must survive forever so that Humanity will always have a home among the stars of creation.